| End of the Year From Hell |
[Jan. 1st, 2010|12:46 am] |
I think I could describe the entire year of 2009 in one word: negative.
My personality kind of took a turn for the worse as the year went on. Just like a downward spiral, I found myself more and more in a position of not being able to get out of. Claustrophobic, if you will. It certainly didn't help that I continue to work at a job that I hate, or kept facing issues with my parents at home, or dealt with the occasional online drama from time to time. None of the pieces were really going in my direction, it felt as though I was losing just about every opportunity that came to me.
The sum of all of these causes left me with one overall shift from last year: I became kind of a meaner person. Not that I've lost it all; I'm still a kind person that will joke around, but my tone and choice of words is much more cynical than it was before. I feel as though I've burned down more bridges than I wanted to erect, that I put up more walls than doors.
Now the question is, Am I depressed? I don't think so. Depression is a disease that has all sorts of psychological history and traumatic events that come along with it. I do not have any of these. I just have a bad attitude, and I know the causes as mentioned earlier. If I can change any of the bad things that cause me to have a terrible attitude about things, I will change my life for the better.
For 2010, I have but one resolution: to become a more positive person like I used to be. This will require work, and a little luck. As much as I complain about all the things not going in my favor, I know I can influence some of them, and I know that there are still outside forces that I have no chance in changing. People, society, random catastrophes, there's no planning for these things, only the way I react and respond to them.
I mentioned this a little while back--that I've started P90X. I love this program. Love, love, love it. I'm 11 days in and I can already see that it's going to be a huge difference when I'm done with the 90 days. I also notice that for every day I'm doing this, I'm on the computer for an hour less every day. One hour less of dicking around message boards and Facebook. One hour less of finding stuff to do. People, this is it. I need to spend an hour doing something completely productive. For this, I've chosen my body, because I've fought it for so long and decided that this is going to be the Last Stand. If this won't work, nothing will. I look to my right and I have a calendar set up for it, and every day I finish I workout, that day gets a huge black "X" in it. Just seeing 11 "X's" on there is nice. It will be nicer when the whole thing is just a huge black and white Sharpie disaster.
After I put the effort towards the body, I'm going to finally figure out a way to move out, since I will definitely have the funds to do it. I can't stand living here any more, it's time to move on.
And after that, maybe I'll finally get around to writing. I thought about creating a P90X program for writing...W90X? Six days a week I put in 1,000-2,000 words, take the seventh day off, and after three weeks I revise everything, go over the synopsis, do research, etc. And go after it again. I'll figure this out sometime later on, but this will be something that will get me motivated the way P90X did.
As for the job...I have to continue to Freelance and hope the economy picks up. Moving out of Cincinnati is looking like a better option as the days go by. I've seen enough of this place, I think I need a better environment. That should make things better I think.
So, in order to be more positive, I have to put in the effort. If I can't, I'm a failure. If I can, I've got worth in life, even if I don't get to my goals. So here's to 2010: The Last Stand. I vow to be a better person through all of this. |
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